She Had To Lose Herself To Find Herself

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True Self Magazine, Dr. Nicole Wagner, Find Your True Self


Somewhere along the line life happened and you got swept off your feet into the vortex where you lost yourself as women often do. Prior to beginning the journey of finding me, I was lost in a whirlwind of dissolved relationships, past life experiences, various social issues and the general chaos of “LIFE”. In these undesirable previous experiences women often become discombobulated, confused if you will. Trapped in between who we believe ourselves to be and who the world wants us to be. In a state of confusion women tend to forget how incredibly amazing they are. We forget how uniquely talented and blessed by God we are. In the midst of ensuring the happiness of other women sacrifice who we are, for who we are told to be. Women willingly allow others to dictate our identity, so much that we become paralyzed to every intricate detail that makes us who we are. 

In the parallel of life, I forgot who I was before I became consumed by the blowing winds of life mixed with the raw ingredient of being told who I should be. One day as I sat quietly pondering the question of (What Happened), I came to the realization that I had put my happiness in the hands of others. The painful truth is I put others before myself allowing their happiness to be more important than mine. As nurturing women, we allow our emotions to be pawns in other people’s games. As a result of this I like many other women became angry, resentful and accusatory. I blamed everyone in the world for my lack of happiness accepting no responsibility. The very people I had entrusted my happiness in had failed me. How dare they do not enable my happiness. How dare they do not reciprocate the love and devotion which I had given them. Because of them I had forgotten how to love the most important person in my life “me”, Who do we blame? It is their fault that we forget how to love ourselves and I forgot how to be me in this world 

wind. Life had knocked on my door and I woke up to reality realizing as many women do, I had been duped into believing my happiness resided in others. A flawed magician, once the joy ride of false friends and even lovers exit our lives, we feel the very thing we fight not to experience “alone”.

Imagine that, the dreadful feeling of abandonment resulting in my “hitting rock bottom”. Mentally yelling “Wake Up” realizing that we have become unfamiliar women. Imagine not recognizing the reflection of the helpless and fragile woman staring back at you. This is not who we are, nor is it who God created any of us to be. But we so easily forget how to be us. Becoming the type of woman, I swore I would never be, the woman who along the journey of life loss herself. Arriving at the fundamental life questions. Who are you? Are you happy? Does your life have purpose? Here I am in a shark pool (The World) trying to appease everyone but the one person of true importance “Me”. I have spent my younger milestones being what and who everyone else wanted me to be instead of who I am. I had conceded when I should have fought. I did my best in being who I thought people either thought or wanted me to be. A people pleaser is who I had become instead of pleasing myself. I became so wrapped up in everything else that I lost myself along the way. I had spent so long living for others instead of living for myself. I had looked for love in clearly all the wrong places and happiness in all the wrong people. Always seeking the approval and acceptance of others when I never accepted myself. What a vicious cycle of pain. Women often spend endless time living for others rather than themselves. 

We look for love, loyalty and happiness in all the wrong places and people. We spend many years seeking the approval and acceptance of others when we do not have self-acceptance. I thought I had done everything necessary to secure my happiness. After all I sacrificed my joy while enabling others only to remove the blinders and realize I had secured neither. I was so desperate to fill a void, but nothing I had done earned me neither love nor happiness. At the end of the day a lack of self-love left me feeling lost and unhappy. It is sad to say with confusion came clarity. I call it that “aha moment”. There is much to be said when you have that sudden comprehension of almost outer body experience. As it is for most women that “aha moment” which helped me to realize I had to find myself. Feeling overwhelmed by life and no balance to cope awakened a level of stress within. Not only was I unhappy and feeling unloved, but I was drowning on an emotional seesaw. But I now know if I stand a chance of winning, being happy and finding love I cannot put my trust in others. While the positive support of others can assist, ultimately, I am responsible for my healing process. Women tend to place high expectations on themselves to be the person everyone can count on. But all we should be is who God created us to be. 

The painful truth is I put others before myself allowing their happiness to be more important than mine. 

Imagine the relief I felt when I came to the realization that I only have to be enough for me. The opinions of others will be spoken whether we want them to be or not. However, they can only affect our lives with our permission. The harsh reality is enough will never be enough. In my late 30’s I asked myself in the quietness of the world, how loud is my presence in the silence? Life was speeding past me and it doesn’t slow down so you can catch up. But rushing, settling, compromising and panicking doesn’t guarantee you a seat at the acceptance or happiness table with people who are not receptive of your existence. Quit listening to the noise of the world and people you believe are dedicated to you. Once you find yourself, love her unconditionally. Because once you love yourself, everything else will naturally fall into place. While there are billions of people in this world, there is only one you. Never let anyone change you or tell you who to be. There is no one else in this world like you. You my Queen have the ability to make a difference, the size of that difference is up to you. I spent many years lost and living in darkness, but I found an amazing person and I am never taking my eyes off her again. I had to lose myself to find myself, but I’ve learned to be unapologetically me, and you should too. 



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